The 50/50 Rule
“The 50/50 Rule” says anything that stresses you out is 50% your fault until you’ve asked for what you want. Take ownership of the fact that that rule is always true, and you will gain power. The manner in which we ask for what we want is often crucial as well. We must make: Clear, repeated, and sometimes documented requests. Let’s break that down:
First, a request must be clear, which is often better determined by an objective friend or co-worker than by our own emotional filter. Ladies, if you want to make sure that a cross-gender communication is clear, you must make sure that you are not falling prey to the critique that Salieri gave Mozart: “Too many notes”. You have around 100 words to make a basic point to a man. So without memorizing verbatim, try playing around with a word document before you speak, to see how close you are to this word count.
Next, our requests must sometimes be repeated. Often in a marriage one partner has lost the car keys a thousand times and the other cannot seem to remember to hang up a towel. These hardwired habits change slowly over time. Trends within organizations also change slowly and require repeated intervention. If you have already asked for what you want, then you need to be patient, because your small piece of feedback is just one of many that is hitting the ears of mangers and coworkers and will unlikely create change instantly. You need to keep sharing feedback without becoming a nag. Hit that sweet spot by deciding on an appropriate interval to come back again—perhaps one or two months. You will know based on instinct, but make sure not to ask over and over or they—like a typical teenager—will tune you out.
Lastly, sometimes we need to document the requests and problems both for the good of substantiating a paper trail and for our own clarity in looking back on a problem.
If something is bothering you professionally, you have no right to complain about it unless you have made clear and repeated and sometimes documented requests. The people up line from you, believe it or not, often crave that type of specificity and that feedback so that they can take operations to the next level of excellence. But sometimes we withhold constructive critique from them and then we complain that they don’t read our minds.
You will not always have the opportunity to prepare, but here’s how to get ready to share your thoughts:
* Getting Brave: To garner your strength and prepare for intimidating conversations, try to see yourself in your mind just at the moment after you take your stand. Tune in to the most positive emotions you could feel in that moment: pride, clarity, conquering risk.
* Rehearse: Sometimes we feel silly practicing what we are going to say to someone. We give ourselves messages that we should not have to utilize that kind of remedial tool. But rehearsal can be key to living authentically and letting go of unspoken communications that lurk within. Practice in the car, shower, or while making breakfast.
* 24 Hours: When you have the opportunity to delay your response - Do! In person, phone, or email, utilize the phrase, “May I take 24 hours to get back to you?” This will give you time to collect your thoughts, rehearse, and/or gather advice.
Giving constructive feedback can be hard to do, especially if you have not ever felt like you’ve really been heard. So if you feel like there’s anything you’re hanging onto—anything at all about your company, your home, your kids, neighbors, spouse or partner—just remember, it’s 50% your fault until you’ve asked for what you want!
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