.
Child or Trophy?
It is only a few years past the birth of my first child and every aspect of my pregnancy is still crystal clear. The nausea, the aching hips, the sweet feeling of the baby pushing out on my taut belly…and the first inkling of competition. That last one might seem odd until you are actually pregnant in this time in history and realize that jockeying for your child’s future status begins somewhere between the elastic pants and the heartburn. I took fish oil to promote brain development. I played my iPod to the belly to stimulate an appreciation for music. I read parenting books to make sure that my babe would have the right books, the right multi-sensory environment, and the right black and white mobiles. All benign and loving parts of pre-motherhood until you examine the sneakier motive: to stand out and be special through him.
These days the race is on from birth and here is how it goes (cue “Flight of the Bumblebee”…) We take the baby out; suction, swab and swaddle. Then comes the APGAR score (the first standardized test.) Once home the program moves to baby Einstein tapes, flashcards, and sign language until it is time for the stairway of schools. Parents endure eight or nine preschool interviews all knowing that the difference between Happy Turtle Daycare and the Choo Choo Children Center will set up their angel baby for a crucial ascention until they stand upon the diving board into the Land of the Ivy Leagues.
As an wellness professional and new mom, my professional view of this crazy competition was discordant with my instinctive desire for my child to have the best life possible. In an attempt to walk my talk, I remember that if I leave him to follow his path, Jake will become exactly who he is meant to be. Possibly he will be exceptional by exterior standards, and possibly he will be average. I hope he will have a huge heart and a boundless capacity for joy, but even there I will have little control and my pushing him in one direction or the other will only serve, in my opinion, to separate us and to torture him.
As parents we are obliged to examine the deeper implication of these social norms. How does the pursuit of “special-ness” and excellence command our days? How much is enough, and what is the price paid? Though we manage to launch many kids into a life of maximizing their gifts, there is another subset of the youth population whose stress and distress is more prominent than their conquests.
To begin to bring mindfulness to your viewpoint, ask yourself the following spotlight questions about your home and your child…
-
Why does it feel so good to think that my child is exceptional?
-
Are the amount of activities in my child’s post-school day manageable?
-
Is my child truly meant for an Ivy League future, or will he be driving himself into a massive backlash as soon as the pressure is off?
-
Where in my parenting style do I create the most pressure for my children?
-
Am I a lifelong learner when it comes to educating myself or did I stop reading and taking parenting classes when they learned to walk?
-
If I had a magic wand, how would I change my home today to reduce stress?
It has been said that addiction is seeking the infinite where it cannot be found. There is an image that is sobering to even those completely high on the narcotic of accomplishment, and that is “The Day After College”. There will come a time when the 16-year haul is over and all that is left is life. This day, surrounded by boxes and a wide horizon of non-academic possibilities, they will be done. And although the pulse of ranking and hierarchy will continue through every element of modern life, let us remember that more important will be their ability to find pleasure in small things; their comfort in themselves, and their delight in the buffet of humanity with whom they will share the ride.
|
